Sunday, January 8, 2012

Disappointing

We were pregnant.

And, no, I'm not talking about in June.

I'm talking about last month.

We have now officially experienced a miscarriage.

Our first, and hopefully only one.

After going through a miscarriage and a stillbirth simultaneously, I've noticed that there is a big difference between the two.

From my personal experience, stillbirth is much harder emotionally and physically.

Let me explain: after I had the girls, my body acted like I was supposed to be feeding two babies, it looked like I was still pregnant or just had a baby without any physical proof in my empty arms, and I had to bury babies that would have otherwise been perfectly healthy.

In no way do I want to down-play the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage, though, as it is still the loss of a child.

I'm absolutely positive the further along you are when you experience a miscarriage, the more different and difficult it is.

With our miscarriage I was not very far--I was only 8 weeks, not yet "attached" to the personality of the baby, and not buying baby items or making major life-changing baby plans.

Although, I was excited.

Generally, I don't even announce that I'm pregnant until 12 weeks or later...usually when I'm done with the major morning sickness...for the risk of this reason.

BUT I did tell enough people to feel the need to blog about it.

I broke my typical announcing time-period rule to try to make the reality sink in, give people some good news, and to try to spread a little of my excitement.

So, this week, you get this update and no pictures (sorry) because most of the week was spent figuring out what was going on as I all-of-a-sudden didn't feel pregnant anymore and started bleeding heavily.

Things like this keep me away from the camera.

Am I upset about this?

I'm more disappointed than upset.

I mean, I would have been 2 months along, had some good news to report, and been semi-happily, yet uncomfortably nauseous...but I've returned to square one.

To me, it's fine because I wasn't "showing" extensively for the questions from strangers to happen, and wont need to change my workout so I can keep trying to get back to my skinny-self...which I'm beginning to doubt will ever happen.

(I actually enjoy getting to kick my butt at the gym without feeling like I have to take it easy)

I know we'll get pregnant again, and everything will eventually work out.

It's just not time yet.

6 comments:

Liz said...

Oh, you darling girl. I feel ya. I just finished enduring a miscarriage, and it stinks. I think I agree that a stillbirth has to be much tougher, but with a miscarriage...I just felt like my body had failed, you know? My doctor explained that sometimes it's just a matter of chromosomes not lining up right and crazy things like that, and it's not the mother's fault at all and doesn't change her ability to get pregnant again. But it SUCKS! And you have to go through labor pains and NOT get a baby out of it! I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Good for you for looking at the positives, as hard as that can be sometimes. Hugs!

Casey Marie said...

I'm so sorry Sierra. Your strength is an inspiration to me.

Kathryn said...

I'm so sorry Sierra! Life is certainly a roller-coaster ride, isn't it. I send my hugs your way. Love you.

The Pitts Family said...

I am so sorry. Darn it :(

Brandon & Melissa said...

Oh, that is disappointing! :( I'm sorry that had to happen. Things will work out soon though, and hopefully sooner than you think. :) I love you lots and hope you're doing okay!

Tara said...

Sierra:
I am so sorry! I had a miscarriage while we were in Forest Grove and it was very difficult. You are an amazingly strong person to do endure the things you are going through and with such a positive attitude. Love ya girl!