Seth and I felt like we escaped a bit of reality when we went to Casper.
The time we had there really allowed us to heal and to process everything that's happened.
Monday, we decided to venture back into Oregon reality by returning to clinic and housecleaning.
Porter and I have even gotten to hang out with friends a couple times and go to a play date.
I am still recovering, physically, but I set small goals and push myself a bit more every day.
I even took a longer walk on Tuesday...but felt lightheaded afterward, so learned my limits and only did that once.
It's actually been really hard for me to just get up and get dressed in the morning, so every day I accomplish something, I applaud myself and feel angels cheering with me.
Here are a few questions and statements we've received in regards to how we are that I'd like to clarify on here for anyone else who may be wondering:
Can you really be okay?
Yes. We are okay. Notice when we say that, we're not saying we're "fine" or "perfect", but we are okay. If we didn't know what we know, we would be in a much worse situation. I guarantee it. We like to focus on the positive, and that helps us to feel the strength we need to get through another day. Even so, our grief comes in waves and can hit us when we least expect it.
I just don't know what to say...
We understand. I feel that people have a hard time knowing what to say because emotions are felt and it's hard to explain what you're feeling when that emotion is so strong. There has been, and continues to be, support given to us through more than just words. People are praying for us and thinking of us, and we want you to know how much that means to us. Everyone has a different way of helping, and the variety of that help has been greatly appreciated. Along with prayers and thoughts, we have received emails, messages via Facebook and Blogger, cards, gifts, poems, letters from others who have lost children, a book that has helped another in a time of grief, good food, flowers, calls, texts, donations, hugs, links to blogs of other people who have suffered this loss, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. Every time we receive one of these things, our day feels a little better.
Do you know why?
The medical reason of why doesn't matter to us. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make the grief any easier or the feeling of loss any lighter. We rely on our belief system and spiritual explanation, and that works. Granted, I still have moments when I wonder what I could have done different, but when those feelings come, I lean on Seth to remind me of where I need to be. I did everything I could have to get those girls here safe, and shouldn't feel at all guilty of my efforts. Heavenly Father just needed them where He is. We will miss them, but they will be around when we need them.
Are you going to have another?
Well, if we are, you'll know. Until then, it's a family secret. We will never be able to "replace" our girls, and don't need to or want to. We'll get to be with them again if we do what we need to do to be with them. I can tell you this much...if we get pregnant again, you will never hear me complain about the pregnancy. Even with how hard mine are. I will never take advantage of that special part of being a mother again.
For those who don't know what to do:
There are some who have treated us different, and seem to be trying to avoid engaging us in conversation or even acknowleging our presence. Again, we understand where you're coming from and aren't offended. We are a little saddened by those reactions, though. We do want to talk about it, and even need to talk about it. Every time we've told the story of what happened, it's helped us a little more to overcome the overwheming emotions we feel when alone. If you would rather not know the specifics, that's fine, just come over and keep me company for a while while Seth's at clinic. And, if you say you're going to do something, like call or come over, please do what you say you will as I really look forward to it :)
We love you all and are so grateful for all the support we have received.