Proof

Proof that we really do have great friends!

And, this is her second bit of goodies she's given us.

You can tell how excited Porter is to eat this thing.

Thank you, Michelle!!

We love you, too!!

Owns It

That's right.

This road is his.

Oswald West State Park

We went to a new-to-us beach this last Saturday with a bunch of friends!

We had a GREAT time!

So much of a great time that I only thought of taking pictures on the way back to the car when it was over.

There was about a quarter of a mile hike into and out of the beach.

Beautiful hike, I should say.

With trees so large they have caves...

...and so tall you can't see them completely...

Only bad thing about this hike back was the mosquitos.

Found three bites...only on me.

The bugs weren't all that interested in the boys.

Five hours at the beach with awesome friends is a cure for any emotional distress :)

Um.ber.ella.ella.ella

Porter's had too many "accidents" lately, so we gave him a goal.

No accidents for a week and you can have something new.

Bribery works well in this household because...

...Porter didn't have an accident and got a Lightning McQueen Umbrella!

He can even open and close it himself!

And, the best part?

There's a Lightning McQueen on the handle.

We're ready for the rain!

Well...not that ready for it.

You get the idea.

Five & a Half Weeks Later

Wow.

It is hard to believe that six weeks have almost passed since we lost our girls.

Time feels like it has stood still and yet at the same time has flown by.

...

A good way to describe how I'm feeling:

I miss them every day and know I wont be able to see them again in this life, which is hard...Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne.

I can't just give up living because I'm sad because life goes on and I need to enjoy every moment...Climb by Miley Cyrus.

This happened to me because the Lord loves me, and I am grateful for this trial as it is helping me become closer to Him...As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten Elder D Todd Christofferson.

And, just so you have proof that I am doing "okay"...

...I thought I'd give you a quick look.

I tried to do a more smiley one, but my eyes looked super swollen and squinty, so this is the best I could do. :)

[Although] He doesn’t always remove our burdens, He is always willing to help us carry them.--Ryan E. Kunz

Vehicles & Letters

My brain isn't working well enough to come up with a clever title today...

We got a Dodge Durango because we needed a bigger car for the girls and for the move in November.

Even though the girls didn't make it, we still need the car.

Therefore, for a while we had three cars.

This isn't a good thing when our complex only gives out one parking permit and the tow company sends someone who is a towing Nazi.

So, Ben was kind enough to take our Camry off our hands.

Oh yah, we have...had I guess now...a Camry!

We loved it.

Saved on gas and helped me feel more independent.

Obviously vehicles aren't my #1 priority in blogging or you would have known about this sooner.

Anywho, so Ben is here!

And, this is the biggest thing that's been happening...

Yep!

That's about it.

Hopefully we will have more exiting things to report next week on Ben's visit.

And Porter?

Well, he's been busy staring out the window wishing he belonged to the families that are outside playing...

 ...but while he's been wishing, he's been working on his Alphabet.

He still doesn't know it as well as he knows cars.

Little Dare Devil

Seen the Smage Brothers on this season's America's Got Talent??

source

Porter wants to be one of them.

Seth wants to join them, too!

Think they'd let them in?

Hard Things

This last week I made a goal for myself to do two "hard" things a day.

One physically hard thing and one emotionally.

It's been an interesting week, but I'm happy to say that I can do hard things.

I've made it a goal to continue this until said hard things are done pertaining to the girls.

I don't know when that will be over, but I've found when I accomplish my hard things for the day, I feel better.

And, that's progress in my eyes.

On a different note: I realize our blog is a little difficult to look at right now...

...but we appreciate you accomplising that one hard thing a week :)

Loves from us.

A Poem From Gammie

Our Angel Babies

Once upon a heaven, and not so long ago
Two precious girls were waiting for arrival here below.
They hugged each other closely with wonder in their eyes
As tiny perfect bodies formed and grew in strength and size.
They wiggled with excitement to be in a family
With kindly loving parents and a brother who was three!
Countless aunts and uncles, grandparents to adore!
So many hearts to love them!  They wanted nothing more.
What fun they’d have together! What wondrous things they’d do
With Dad and Mom and Brother--and they’d have each other, too!


Then Heavenly Father held the girls and told them of His plan
To keep them there with Him in Heaven and not on earth with man.
They looked at Him with tear-filled eyes because they wanted so
To be with their big brother and their parents here below.
“Be patient,” then the Father said, “and you will have your turn
Forever with your family--its something THEY must earn.
And when you’re reunited, and it won’t take very long,
It then will be FOREVER and all sorrow will be gone!”
So now the girls are waiting, and so obediently
To be finally with their brother and their earthly family.
Alayna and Jilinda are watching from above
And both are very anxious to embrace us with their love.
                                         

                                      Written by their “Gammie” Linda Seaman 2 July 2011

Two & a Half Weeks Later

Seth and I felt like we escaped a bit of reality when we went to Casper.

The time we had there really allowed us to heal and to process everything that's happened.

Monday, we decided to venture back into Oregon reality by returning to clinic and housecleaning.

Porter and I have even gotten to hang out with friends a couple times and go to a play date.

I am still recovering, physically, but I set small goals and push myself a bit more every day.

I even took a longer walk on Tuesday...but felt lightheaded afterward, so learned my limits and only did that once.

It's actually been really hard for me to just get up and get dressed in the morning, so every day I accomplish something, I applaud myself and feel angels cheering with me.

Here are a few questions and statements we've received in regards to how we are that I'd like to clarify on here for anyone else who may be wondering:

Can you really be okay?

Yes. We are okay. Notice when we say that, we're not saying we're "fine" or "perfect", but we are okay. If we didn't know what we know, we would be in a much worse situation. I guarantee it. We like to focus on the positive, and that helps us to feel the strength we need to get through another day. Even so, our grief comes in waves and can hit us when we least expect it.

I just don't know what to say...

We understand. I feel that people have a hard time knowing what to say because emotions are felt and it's hard to explain what you're feeling when that emotion is so strong. There has been, and continues to be, support given to us through more than just words. People are praying for us and thinking of us, and we want you to know how much that means to us. Everyone has a different way of helping, and the variety of that help has been greatly appreciated. Along with prayers and thoughts, we have received emails, messages via Facebook and Blogger, cards, gifts, poems, letters from others who have lost children, a book that has helped another in a time of grief, good food, flowers, calls, texts, donations, hugs, links to blogs of other people who have suffered this loss, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. Every time we receive one of these things, our day feels a little better.

Do you know why?

The medical reason of why doesn't matter to us. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make the grief any easier or the feeling of loss any lighter. We rely on our belief system and spiritual explanation, and that works. Granted, I still have moments when I wonder what I could have done different, but when those feelings come, I lean on Seth to remind me of where I need to be. I did everything I could have to get those girls here safe, and shouldn't feel at all guilty of my efforts. Heavenly Father just needed them where He is. We will miss them, but they will be around when we need them.

Are you going to have another?

Well, if we are, you'll know. Until then, it's a family secret. We will never be able to "replace" our girls, and don't need to or want to. We'll get to be with them again if we do what we need to do to be with them. I can tell you this much...if we get pregnant again, you will never hear me complain about the pregnancy. Even with how hard mine are. I will never take advantage of that special part of being a mother again.

For those who don't know what to do:

There are some who have treated us different, and seem to be trying to avoid engaging us in conversation or even acknowleging our presence. Again, we understand where you're coming from and aren't offended. We are a little saddened by those reactions, though. We do want to talk about it, and even need to talk about it. Every time we've told the story of what happened, it's helped us a little more to overcome the overwheming emotions we feel when alone. If you would rather not know the specifics, that's fine, just come over and keep me company for a while while Seth's at clinic. And, if you say you're going to do something, like call or come over, please do what you say you will as I really look forward to it :)

We love you all and are so grateful for all the support we have received.

Thank you.

Going With the Flow

I love spontaneous weekends.

My original "plan" for the weekend was to clean since my house had become an unruly mess.

Then, Seth suggested we go shooting!

Anything is better than cleaning.

Well, the rock quarry that is used as a shooting range near Browns Camp was closed so it could be used for what it's originally supposed to be used as.

That was a little disappointing.

So, since we had Ty with us, we decided to go the rest of the way to Tillamook and introduce him to the Cheese Factory and Cape Meares.

Since I already have a bunch of pictures of the million other times we've been to those locations, I just took a few new ones of things we did differently.

Like:

My adorable son driving the Loaf van.

The fixed glass on the lighthouse:

And, the damage that still needs to be fixed: 

We were still unable to go up to the light because of the damage.

Thank you, again, doers of vandalism for destroying that opportunity for others.

It was nice to have a weekend where we just did whatever we felt like doing.

Shirts

The luxury of men when they're warm:

I don't know a better way to show off muscles...

...besides, this way you can try on other options.

O Beautiful for Spacious Skies

Seth, Porter, and I returned from Casper just before the Fourth.

We wanted to make sure we made it to the Banks fireworks!

We went last year and really enjoyed the optional karaoke, booths, races, and pre-show entertainment.

We most especially enjoyed the three firework 'finales' during the show!

This year only had two, so I think they're running low on their budget.

Surprise, surprise...

Anyway, this year, Seth and Porter squeezed in a barrel so they could do this:

We were joined by a bunch of friends before the show, and enjoyed ourselves :)

My favorite part of Independence Day this year was done a couple weeks before...

We sang tributes to our military, and the reactions of the military members in the audience were priceless and even made me tear up.

My seat in the concert made it slightly more entertaining since I sat behind the tuba and the babies were kept awake throughout the performance.

It was fun to feel their little surprised jumps.

Maybe they were dancing.

Sadly, I only got to perform once because of what happened between the two performance dates, but I enjoyed every bit of my involvement in the Portland Mormon Choir and Orchestra.

I will miss that group.

In Casper Part Five - Ice Cream on a Tramp

One reason everyone should live close to family.

In Casper Part Four - The River

The North Platte River was higher than I've ever seen it while we were there.

That's a boat ramp covered with water.

Seth and Clark got to have a lot of fun kayaking in it.

Seth needed that time in the water..

In Casper Part Three - The Service

It was a beautiful day.

Perfect for our perfect angels.

Everything went well...

...despite the fact a couple of our party got a little lost en route to the cemetery.

Seth and Porter stayed close to the babies throughout the short service...

...while I was too anemic to stand for that long.

We played for them the song I was going to sing for them in the NICU--

Shenandoah

(if you go to the link, it's track 10)

--before we lowered them into the ground.

All of our siblings came except a few who were unable to make it, a good friend, Seth's grandparents on his father's side, Aunt Kathryn and Uncle Randy on my side, and their daughter Emily who is not only my cousin, but a really great friend.

I was so happy to see everyone who came.

The support, love, and hugs we recieved were exactly what we needed.

I want to send out a thank you to those who came, again, and to those who have sent their support via cards, texts, Facebook, Blogger, and other means.

We love all of you.

In Casper Part Two - A Gift

We made sure to show Porter his sisters.

I'm not sure he fully understands everything that's going on, but he seems to know that the babies aren't coming home with us.

We explained the whole situation to him in a way he could understand, so now when we talk about the babies, he says "the babies are dead...that's sad...they're living with Jesus, so they're happy...we get to see them again if we're really good and be reverent."

Smart boy.

We had a small viewing for our parents and our little family before our service after getting to dress them.

We decided to put them in the same casket.

They wanted so bad to be together that they broke their membrane, so we thought it was appropriate and what they would have wanted.

Because they share a casket, Porter was given the toy that came with it...

This way, he got a gift from his sisters.