Jiggity...
...er...
...shhh.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Filling What Is Empty
It's June 23.
It's not really registering that I just gave birth, but my body feels and appears otherwise.
I still look pregnant, I think as I get dressed in the same clothes I wore to the doctors office just two days before.
I'm leaving the hospital...empty.
Empty inside and empty outside.
The babies, I'm sure, are being taken to the morgue.
What a horrible place for babies to go.
Seth helps me gather all the mementos and we exit the room.
A pregnant woman walks by, "Not time yet?", she says with a smile.
I'm taken aback, but respond, "Oh, no. We already had ours, but they died."
Her face went from happiness to surprise in an instant.
"Oh," she says and tries to hurry away.
I realize I'm jealous of her belly bulge.
I'm also jealous of the quick heartbeat I hear in the next room.
And the cries I hear down the hall.
I try to shake it off, and I take something out of Seth's arms so I don't leave the hospital carrying nothing.
...
We are home.
I walk upstairs while Seth leaves to grab more items from the car.
My eyes focus on the two car seats in our bedroom.
They have the car seat covers I made for them over them.
Just days before, I would picture my sweethearts inside as I would lift the cover...
I break down.
Through my tears, I grab everything baby-related I can see and throw it in the third room.
There's so much stuff, and I can't get it out fast enough.
I'm even angry because there's so much.
We were completely ready for them.
I give up and sink to the floor in the middle of the hallway.
I hear Seth rush up the stairs.
He sees me, I tell him what happened, and he shuts the door on the baby items in the room.
For whatever reason, because I can't see the items, I begin to calm down as Seth holds me.
...
It's July 5th.
The girls are in the ground in Wyoming, and the responsibility I feel toward protecting their little bodies is lifted.
They are alright.
I am still hurting, but am also alright.
I find that I'm having an easier time going into the third bedroom and facing the baby items.
I box up the items I made and the items we received from the hospital in temporary boxes so I can get them out of the way.
I want Seth to make a "millennium box" with everything in it so I can use it when my little sweethearts are in my arms again.
Will I need this stuff? I wonder...It doesn't matter. I want it.
...
It's September 23rd.
I want to take cookies to the doctors and nurses who helped me with the girls, so I spend the day baking.
Seth, Porter and I get in the car and travel the hour to the doctor's office once again.
We arrive right at closing time, so I leave the car with cookies in hand while Seth goes to park.
It's surprisingly easy to go back into the office.
Almost like nothing has happened.
I go up to the receptionist desk, but I don't recognise the receptionist behind it.
In three months, it's already different.
I tell her to give the cookies to everyone in the office and make sure they know 'Sierra' gave it to them...unsure she'll even remember my name.
After watching her take the cookies to the back room, I leave.
I don't want to bother the doctors while they are working.
Seth and Porter are walking toward me as I walk out the front door, and I tell them I've already dropped off the cookies.
We go back to the car, and right as I'm about to get in, I spot someone walking toward us and up the parking structure...
"Heather!"
She recognises me, smiles and comes over.
"I was just about to go to the Nurses' station at Labor and Deliver and give you these," I say as I hand her a plate of fresh cookies.
We chat for a bit about how I'm doing and how her family is.
It just so happened that she was taking a class that day and had parked in the same parking structure.
I tell her that she's someone I will never forget, and she tells me the same.
This is why I was supposed to come today...right now.
She is really the one I want to see the most.
After talking for a short while, we part.
Seth, Porter and I still go to Labor and Delivery, though, as we have a plate for Roxann.
A nurse informs us that Roxann isn't working today, so we leave the cookies on the desk with a note for her.
I don't think Roxann will actually get to have any cookies, I think as I set them down.
...
It is November 23rd.
Five months and three days ago, my girls moved for the last time.
I feel like it's time for everyone to know the story.
Every 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd of the past five months has been the same--I think about and almost re-live what happened during those special days and what has happened since.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I want everyone to know that this life-experience is what I am the most thankful for this year.
I'm thankful for this experience because it has helped me realize what and who is most important in my life.
It has helped me to focus on spiritual things more, to be more empathetic, to be a better mother, to not take life for granted, and to be a better family member.
I would never wish this situation on anyone, but I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father has enough faith in me to be able to handle it.
If I do what I am supposed to, I automatically have two beautiful baby girls in the Millennium--something I love thinking about.
Frequently death comes as an intruder. It is an enemy that suddenly appears in the midst of life’s feast, putting out its lights and gaiety. It visits the aged as they walk on faltering feet. Its summons is heard by those who have scarcely reached midway in life’s journey, and often it hushes the laughter of little children.
...There is one phrase which should be erased from your thinking and from the words you speak aloud. It is the phrase ‘If only.’ It is counterproductive and is not conducive to the spirit of healing and of peace. Rather, recall the words of Proverbs: ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
-Thomas S. Monson
It's not really registering that I just gave birth, but my body feels and appears otherwise.
I still look pregnant, I think as I get dressed in the same clothes I wore to the doctors office just two days before.
I'm leaving the hospital...empty.
Empty inside and empty outside.
The babies, I'm sure, are being taken to the morgue.
What a horrible place for babies to go.
Seth helps me gather all the mementos and we exit the room.
A pregnant woman walks by, "Not time yet?", she says with a smile.
I'm taken aback, but respond, "Oh, no. We already had ours, but they died."
Her face went from happiness to surprise in an instant.
"Oh," she says and tries to hurry away.
I realize I'm jealous of her belly bulge.
I'm also jealous of the quick heartbeat I hear in the next room.
And the cries I hear down the hall.
I try to shake it off, and I take something out of Seth's arms so I don't leave the hospital carrying nothing.
...
We are home.
I walk upstairs while Seth leaves to grab more items from the car.
My eyes focus on the two car seats in our bedroom.
They have the car seat covers I made for them over them.
Just days before, I would picture my sweethearts inside as I would lift the cover...
I break down.
Through my tears, I grab everything baby-related I can see and throw it in the third room.
There's so much stuff, and I can't get it out fast enough.
I'm even angry because there's so much.
We were completely ready for them.
I give up and sink to the floor in the middle of the hallway.
I hear Seth rush up the stairs.
He sees me, I tell him what happened, and he shuts the door on the baby items in the room.
For whatever reason, because I can't see the items, I begin to calm down as Seth holds me.
...
It's July 5th.
The girls are in the ground in Wyoming, and the responsibility I feel toward protecting their little bodies is lifted.
They are alright.
I am still hurting, but am also alright.
I find that I'm having an easier time going into the third bedroom and facing the baby items.
I box up the items I made and the items we received from the hospital in temporary boxes so I can get them out of the way.
I want Seth to make a "millennium box" with everything in it so I can use it when my little sweethearts are in my arms again.
Will I need this stuff? I wonder...It doesn't matter. I want it.
...
It's September 23rd.
I want to take cookies to the doctors and nurses who helped me with the girls, so I spend the day baking.
Seth, Porter and I get in the car and travel the hour to the doctor's office once again.
We arrive right at closing time, so I leave the car with cookies in hand while Seth goes to park.
It's surprisingly easy to go back into the office.
Almost like nothing has happened.
I go up to the receptionist desk, but I don't recognise the receptionist behind it.
In three months, it's already different.
I tell her to give the cookies to everyone in the office and make sure they know 'Sierra' gave it to them...unsure she'll even remember my name.
After watching her take the cookies to the back room, I leave.
I don't want to bother the doctors while they are working.
Seth and Porter are walking toward me as I walk out the front door, and I tell them I've already dropped off the cookies.
We go back to the car, and right as I'm about to get in, I spot someone walking toward us and up the parking structure...
"Heather!"
She recognises me, smiles and comes over.
"I was just about to go to the Nurses' station at Labor and Deliver and give you these," I say as I hand her a plate of fresh cookies.
We chat for a bit about how I'm doing and how her family is.
It just so happened that she was taking a class that day and had parked in the same parking structure.
I tell her that she's someone I will never forget, and she tells me the same.
This is why I was supposed to come today...right now.
She is really the one I want to see the most.
After talking for a short while, we part.
Seth, Porter and I still go to Labor and Delivery, though, as we have a plate for Roxann.
A nurse informs us that Roxann isn't working today, so we leave the cookies on the desk with a note for her.
I don't think Roxann will actually get to have any cookies, I think as I set them down.
...
It is November 23rd.
Five months and three days ago, my girls moved for the last time.
I feel like it's time for everyone to know the story.
Every 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd of the past five months has been the same--I think about and almost re-live what happened during those special days and what has happened since.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I want everyone to know that this life-experience is what I am the most thankful for this year.
I'm thankful for this experience because it has helped me realize what and who is most important in my life.
It has helped me to focus on spiritual things more, to be more empathetic, to be a better mother, to not take life for granted, and to be a better family member.
I would never wish this situation on anyone, but I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father has enough faith in me to be able to handle it.
If I do what I am supposed to, I automatically have two beautiful baby girls in the Millennium--something I love thinking about.
Frequently death comes as an intruder. It is an enemy that suddenly appears in the midst of life’s feast, putting out its lights and gaiety. It visits the aged as they walk on faltering feet. Its summons is heard by those who have scarcely reached midway in life’s journey, and often it hushes the laughter of little children.
...There is one phrase which should be erased from your thinking and from the words you speak aloud. It is the phrase ‘If only.’ It is counterproductive and is not conducive to the spirit of healing and of peace. Rather, recall the words of Proverbs: ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
-Thomas S. Monson
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Grief and Pain
It's June 22nd.
I have no idea what time it is, but it's early, and I've woken up countless times during the night.
I'm not ready to be at the hospital; not ready to be giving birth to these girls.
Mentally, I'm just not prepared to deal with the pain of labor.
My grief is overpowering and all-consuming.
Not to mention all the pain associated with giving birth.
I feel completely helpless and broken.
I've never felt so awful in my entire life.
Seth is restless, and notices I'm having a hard time.
He offers to switch beds.
His bed is much more comfortable than the hospital birthing bed, but even with the nicer bed, my pain isn't much better.
...
I'm in full-on labor and can only focus on the pain.
I remind myself to try to breathe through contractions, but all I can think about is the lack of an immediate reward when it is all over.
I'm not doing as well as I did with Porter's labor.
I have a new nurse, Roxann, who gives me pain medication options.
I don't want an epidural...I don't feel like I need one because I didn't have one with Porter, so I get morphine.
This stuff doesn't work, I think as I push the button every thirty seconds.
"It won't go every time you push it," Seth tries to tell me, "It's so you don't overdose."
I'm uncomfortable lying down--I need to move.
I stand up, but I'm so exhausted that my knees buckle and I only get as far as the hospital bed only two feet away.
I kneel on the bed, praying for the pain to stop.
Praying that it will all be over.
"I'm so tired!" I say over and over.
My water breaks.
I just can't handle all the pain anymore.
I can't do this!! "I want an epidural!!" I cry in defeat.
Roxann grabs the anethesiologist as quick as she can, and I awkwardly try to curl my back at the edge of the bed.
The anethesiologist is super fast, and the epidural is in before I know it.
As fast as the epidural is put in, my pain goes away.
Why was I ever against this?
I lay on the bed, completely content with the fact that I can't feel my legs and I don't have to deal with the physical pain anymore.
Roxann puts the sheet over me, and I feel something exit my body.
"I think a baby's out...she's out," I say.
I'm right.
I didn't have to do anything...she just came out.
Roxann calls for the doctor, and they take my baby out from under the sheet.
I'm afraid to look, but I watch as they take her away.
She's so small!
I don't get much time to do much of anything else before the doctor tells me Baby B is breech and I need to push.
I push a couple times and out comes baby number two...backward.
I am so tired.
...
The next thing I know, I hear Seth sniffing on his cot/bed while he's typing on my computer.
Stop crying, I think, I'm too tired to comfort you.
...
I wake up again, this time to a sound that reminds me of an animal that is always near our apartment.
"Is there a cat in here?" I ask Seth, who looks up at me, confused.
He's still at the computer.
Roxann heard my question and informs me that what I think is a cat in fact is my epidural, and she comes and turns it off.
...
I'm awoken a couple more times from Lori, who visits as promised, and from a grief couselor who talks to Seth.
I don't register much of what is said, but I know who is here.
...
I wake up again, this time for good, and I look at the clock.
I've been asleep for four hours!
I sit up, and Seth notices.
He comes over and informs me he wants to go get Porter.
I sleepily give my consent, and he leaves the room.
To my left, the girls are lying together in the small bed.
I will them to move like they had just days before, but nothing happens.
I hear a small knock on the door as Roxann enters.
She brings mementos with her and starts to clean off the girls and dress them.
She talks to them, and it makes me smile faintly.
"Do you want to hold them?" she asks.
I say I do, and she brings a baby over.
I know who it is without even having to look at her.
It's Alayna.
She was the one causing the bigger movements inside; the one who wasn't comfortable with the small space and who would kick me as I took my shot--determined.
Alayna is placed in my left arm as Jilinda is brought over and placed in my right.
Jilinda would take the path of least resistance around her sister, and is the one who would get out of my way while I took my shot--the peacemaker.
Jilinda came out first, and Alayna followed only by a half hour.
Alayna is almost four pounds while Jilinda is just slightly over three.
I know these girls...I know them like they have been with me for years.
They're so pretty.
Roxann takes pictures with the hospital camera as tears fall from my eyes.
I love holding them.
...
Seth enters the room with Porter.
He looks at me tentatively as I say hi.
Seth takes him over to the girls who are back in their bed.
"The babies are dead," Porter says.
He is right, but those words are hard to hear.
Seth takes Porter over to his bed, and returns to get the girls.
He first takes Jilinda over to introduce her.
Porter doesn't want to hold her, so Seth holds her for a short time while Porter looks on.
Seth takes Jilinda back and returns with Alayna.
Porter doesn't want to hold her, either, so Seth repeats what he did with Jilinda.
He is about to put them back, and I ask to hold them again.
...
We feel it is time to send the girls away.
I say goodbye by touching their sweet little legs.
They are taken out of the room.
The separation is too much, but I resist the urge to follow them.
...
It is late.
Roxann has gone home, and Heather is back.
She's brought me a more comfortable bed to sleep on tonight.
I ask her if I could be allowed to go see the babies that survived at the nursery.
"I don't know why I need to go, but I feel like I need to," I told her.
She understands and takes me for a small walk to the nursery.
I look at the crying, healthy, alive babies, and feel a slight sensation of relief.
Not all babies die, I tell myself.
...
Seth cuddles with me on the much more comfortable hospital bed while Porter lies asleep on Seth's bed.
I'm so blessed to have Seth, and so grateful that I have Porter, I think as I close my swollen eyes.
I have no idea what time it is, but it's early, and I've woken up countless times during the night.
I'm not ready to be at the hospital; not ready to be giving birth to these girls.
Mentally, I'm just not prepared to deal with the pain of labor.
My grief is overpowering and all-consuming.
Not to mention all the pain associated with giving birth.
I feel completely helpless and broken.
I've never felt so awful in my entire life.
Seth is restless, and notices I'm having a hard time.
He offers to switch beds.
His bed is much more comfortable than the hospital birthing bed, but even with the nicer bed, my pain isn't much better.
...
I'm in full-on labor and can only focus on the pain.
I remind myself to try to breathe through contractions, but all I can think about is the lack of an immediate reward when it is all over.
I'm not doing as well as I did with Porter's labor.
I have a new nurse, Roxann, who gives me pain medication options.
I don't want an epidural...I don't feel like I need one because I didn't have one with Porter, so I get morphine.
This stuff doesn't work, I think as I push the button every thirty seconds.
"It won't go every time you push it," Seth tries to tell me, "It's so you don't overdose."
I'm uncomfortable lying down--I need to move.
I stand up, but I'm so exhausted that my knees buckle and I only get as far as the hospital bed only two feet away.
I kneel on the bed, praying for the pain to stop.
Praying that it will all be over.
"I'm so tired!" I say over and over.
My water breaks.
I just can't handle all the pain anymore.
I can't do this!! "I want an epidural!!" I cry in defeat.
Roxann grabs the anethesiologist as quick as she can, and I awkwardly try to curl my back at the edge of the bed.
The anethesiologist is super fast, and the epidural is in before I know it.
As fast as the epidural is put in, my pain goes away.
Why was I ever against this?
I lay on the bed, completely content with the fact that I can't feel my legs and I don't have to deal with the physical pain anymore.
Roxann puts the sheet over me, and I feel something exit my body.
"I think a baby's out...she's out," I say.
I'm right.
I didn't have to do anything...she just came out.
Roxann calls for the doctor, and they take my baby out from under the sheet.
I'm afraid to look, but I watch as they take her away.
She's so small!
I don't get much time to do much of anything else before the doctor tells me Baby B is breech and I need to push.
I push a couple times and out comes baby number two...backward.
I am so tired.
...
The next thing I know, I hear Seth sniffing on his cot/bed while he's typing on my computer.
Stop crying, I think, I'm too tired to comfort you.
...
I wake up again, this time to a sound that reminds me of an animal that is always near our apartment.
"Is there a cat in here?" I ask Seth, who looks up at me, confused.
He's still at the computer.
Roxann heard my question and informs me that what I think is a cat in fact is my epidural, and she comes and turns it off.
...
I'm awoken a couple more times from Lori, who visits as promised, and from a grief couselor who talks to Seth.
I don't register much of what is said, but I know who is here.
...
I wake up again, this time for good, and I look at the clock.
I've been asleep for four hours!
I sit up, and Seth notices.
He comes over and informs me he wants to go get Porter.
I sleepily give my consent, and he leaves the room.
To my left, the girls are lying together in the small bed.
I will them to move like they had just days before, but nothing happens.
I hear a small knock on the door as Roxann enters.
She brings mementos with her and starts to clean off the girls and dress them.
She talks to them, and it makes me smile faintly.
"Do you want to hold them?" she asks.
I say I do, and she brings a baby over.
I know who it is without even having to look at her.
It's Alayna.
She was the one causing the bigger movements inside; the one who wasn't comfortable with the small space and who would kick me as I took my shot--determined.
Alayna is placed in my left arm as Jilinda is brought over and placed in my right.
Jilinda would take the path of least resistance around her sister, and is the one who would get out of my way while I took my shot--the peacemaker.
Jilinda came out first, and Alayna followed only by a half hour.
Alayna is almost four pounds while Jilinda is just slightly over three.
I know these girls...I know them like they have been with me for years.
They're so pretty.
Roxann takes pictures with the hospital camera as tears fall from my eyes.
I love holding them.
...
Seth enters the room with Porter.
He looks at me tentatively as I say hi.
Seth takes him over to the girls who are back in their bed.
"The babies are dead," Porter says.
He is right, but those words are hard to hear.
Seth takes Porter over to his bed, and returns to get the girls.
He first takes Jilinda over to introduce her.
Porter doesn't want to hold her, so Seth holds her for a short time while Porter looks on.
Seth takes Jilinda back and returns with Alayna.
Porter doesn't want to hold her, either, so Seth repeats what he did with Jilinda.
He is about to put them back, and I ask to hold them again.
...
We feel it is time to send the girls away.
I say goodbye by touching their sweet little legs.
They are taken out of the room.
The separation is too much, but I resist the urge to follow them.
...
It is late.
Roxann has gone home, and Heather is back.
She's brought me a more comfortable bed to sleep on tonight.
I ask her if I could be allowed to go see the babies that survived at the nursery.
"I don't know why I need to go, but I feel like I need to," I told her.
She understands and takes me for a small walk to the nursery.
I look at the crying, healthy, alive babies, and feel a slight sensation of relief.
Not all babies die, I tell myself.
...
Seth cuddles with me on the much more comfortable hospital bed while Porter lies asleep on Seth's bed.
I'm so blessed to have Seth, and so grateful that I have Porter, I think as I close my swollen eyes.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The News
It's early on June 21
Time for the pregnancy middle-of-the-night potty time.
I look at the time on my phone...4:00 AM.
Strange, I usually get up at two, I think as I get up.
Still no movement from my girls.
I begin to become more worried and say a prayer...Heavenly Father, please let these girls be okay...and by okay, I mean "alive"...and by alive, I mean "alive HERE".
A feeling of uncomfortable peace comes upon me as if someone is telling me, "It's okay, but you'll find out soon enough."
I don't like that answer, but it is enough to let me return to bed.
...
It's lighter outside my window.
I look at the time again...9:30 AM
Porter enters the room sleepy and disheveled...I love how he looks in the morning.
"Good morning!" I say with a grin, and I start to stretch.
He responds with a smile and asks if I can make him breakfast.
That means it's time to get up.
I place my hand under my belly for support.
Still no movement from inside.
I haven't said anything to Seth, and decide to not tell him unless I'm really sure that something is wrong.
I start the usual "pregnant morning routine"--a drink of water, breakfast, nausea medication and shot.
The girls always move when I take my shot, I think as I eat, they'll move then.
I escape to the bathroom after putting my bowl in the dishwasher to prove my theory.
Nothing.
I start poking at my left side of my belly to get them to move, "Come on, girls"
Why isn't she moving away from me?
I start to freak out and I rush as fast as I can down the stairs while trying to hold back tears.
Seth and Porter are still enjoying breakfast. "Seth, some thing's wrong," I say and begin to cry while I explain that the girls haven't moved for a while.
"Well, let's go to the doctor and make sure every thing's okay," he says, calmly.
I call, set up an appointment and get ready for the day as best I can through spouts of tears.
It's okay...every thing's fine...I'll go to the doctor like I did yesterday and everything will be fine.
Seth isn't as worried as I am and tries to calm me down with words of encouragement.
I begin to calm down as much as I can...Seth's right...I'm sure it'll all be okay.
...
The time comes to leave.
We go as a family in the new-to-us Durango we bought as preparation for the girls' arrival--it needs to be registered.
Seth suggests I go in to the office while he goes to the DMV with Porter to register the car as it needs to be done soon.
I'm hesitant to say yes, but I agree that it would be a smart thing to do.
As I walk into the office alone, I'm positive my worry is written all over my face, and I regret sending Seth away.
"Hi, Sierra! You should just live here, you know." the receptionist jokes with a grin.
I give a faint smile and say, "I should just sleep out here in the waiting area on the couches."
She laughs, but I don't see the smile in her eyes...She can see straight through me.
Another pee donation, then I wait for what feels like a long time.
They must be really busy today...I should have brought my book.
I look at the TV in the waiting room not really registering what is on the screen.
My name is called, and I get up.
First things first, I stand on the scale.
It's a number I'm not happy with, so I groan a bit before I'm taken to the Non-Stress Test room in the center of the circle.
I go to my usual spot on the hospital bed where I begin telling my nurse, Lori, my fears.
After my explanation, she leaves the room to get the small ultrasound machine so she has an easier time finding the girls' hearts.
Ever since the girls' membrane broke, it's been harder to find out where they are for the test so this is normal, but I wait impatiently until she returns with the machine.
She stands in front of me, places her right arm across my belly and keeps her back to me...She's trying to block my view!
I tentatively peek under her shoulder where I can get a small glimpse of the screen.
I see the girls' hearts, but don't see them beating.
She didn't stay in the area of their hearts very long, so I begin to doubt my eyes.
Solemnly, she tells me she needs to have the doctor come in and double-check something.
That isn't normal and gives me an even stronger sense of foreboding.
The same doctor who saw me yesterday, Dr Jenkins, enters with Lori and takes over the ultrasound machine...trying to block my view, as well.
This time there is no mistaking it--the little hearts that I had seen and heard beating countless times were completely still.
Dr. Jenkins turns to me..."There's no easy way to say this...we don't know what happened, but the babies have died."
"I thought so," I respond as large, loud sobs escape my body.
Lori quickly comes to my side and holds me, "Is your husband here?"
Through uncontrollable sobs, I say where he is.
Lori continues to hold me, trying to give me comfort as I speak my mind about what I should have done different.
"There's no guarantee any of those things would have made a difference. You did everything you could have done for these babies. I'm so sorry, sweetie."
I really did do everything I thought was right for my girls...Most importantly, I loved them and wanted them.
Slowly, I begin to find my voice again and decide to call Seth.
After only a couple rings, he answers, "Hey, I'm driving back and I'm close."
I tell him the news, but my words seem unreal.
His tears bring on even more tears from me, and I have to get off the phone.
I wait for him to come in a shocked silence and with a headache.
Seth enters the room with a mirrored look of shock on his face and he rushes to my side.
We hold each other and cry for who knows how long.
As we begin to calm down, I notice we are left alone.
My eyes meet Porter's, and he looks confused.
We begin to tell him what happened making sure he knows that, even though we now wont be taking the girls home like we've been talking about every day for months, we can all be physically together as an entire family again and he will be able to hold his sisters like he wants to.
Shortly after our discussion, Dr. Jenkins returns to the room and informs us that I will need to deliver.
I notice his eyes are red, and I feel sorry for him...I can't imagine how he must feel being the one who sent me home yesterday.
He gives us two options--deliver as soon as possible or go home, let it sink in and then come back.
We choose to get it done as soon as possible.
He understands and goes to make the arrangements.
Seth leaves to take Porter to a sitter, and I go to the nurses station to look for Lori to take me to Labor and Delivery.
Finding her, we exit by going out the back toward the hospital and away from the waiting room so I don't have to face all of the other pregnant women.
Lori stays with me until she has to return to work, and promises she'll visit tomorrow.
Seth's still not back as I am taken to my room.
I'm left alone as a new wave of grief hits me.
The door opens with Seth's arrival--he came with my hospital bag, and I'm happy to see both him and the bag.
We sit in silence that is occasionally interrupted with statements about how happy we are that we chose to get married in the temple, how sad we are that we don't get to have our girls right now, and what we are going to have to do next.
We have visitors from our ward who come to bring us support--our home teacher and a friend who happened to be in the area, and the Relief Society President and a sister who had also had a stillborn.
Their visits are brief, but very much appreciated.
The door opens again, and my night nurse enters the room.
I do a double-take...Heather!
Heather had been my favorite night nurse when I came to the hospital with a complication I had the day the girls' membrane broke just a few weeks before.
"Remember me?" I ask with a crooked grin.
"Absolutely, I do," she responded without smiling, "I am so sorry."
After an update on what happened since I'd seen her last, Heather started talking about what I will have to do.
"You can ask me any question you may have," she said.
I ask my questions--her answers only make me cry more, but I need to hear them so I can be prepared.
Pills are handed to me, and I take them to help get this going.
While Seth and I turn on episodes from How the States Got Their Shapes as a distraction, my contractions get worse.
This may not take long.
Time for the pregnancy middle-of-the-night potty time.
I look at the time on my phone...4:00 AM.
Strange, I usually get up at two, I think as I get up.
Still no movement from my girls.
I begin to become more worried and say a prayer...Heavenly Father, please let these girls be okay...and by okay, I mean "alive"...and by alive, I mean "alive HERE".
A feeling of uncomfortable peace comes upon me as if someone is telling me, "It's okay, but you'll find out soon enough."
I don't like that answer, but it is enough to let me return to bed.
...
It's lighter outside my window.
I look at the time again...9:30 AM
Porter enters the room sleepy and disheveled...I love how he looks in the morning.
"Good morning!" I say with a grin, and I start to stretch.
He responds with a smile and asks if I can make him breakfast.
That means it's time to get up.
I place my hand under my belly for support.
Still no movement from inside.
I haven't said anything to Seth, and decide to not tell him unless I'm really sure that something is wrong.
I start the usual "pregnant morning routine"--a drink of water, breakfast, nausea medication and shot.
The girls always move when I take my shot, I think as I eat, they'll move then.
I escape to the bathroom after putting my bowl in the dishwasher to prove my theory.
Nothing.
I start poking at my left side of my belly to get them to move, "Come on, girls"
Why isn't she moving away from me?
I start to freak out and I rush as fast as I can down the stairs while trying to hold back tears.
Seth and Porter are still enjoying breakfast. "Seth, some thing's wrong," I say and begin to cry while I explain that the girls haven't moved for a while.
"Well, let's go to the doctor and make sure every thing's okay," he says, calmly.
I call, set up an appointment and get ready for the day as best I can through spouts of tears.
It's okay...every thing's fine...I'll go to the doctor like I did yesterday and everything will be fine.
Seth isn't as worried as I am and tries to calm me down with words of encouragement.
I begin to calm down as much as I can...Seth's right...I'm sure it'll all be okay.
...
The time comes to leave.
We go as a family in the new-to-us Durango we bought as preparation for the girls' arrival--it needs to be registered.
Seth suggests I go in to the office while he goes to the DMV with Porter to register the car as it needs to be done soon.
I'm hesitant to say yes, but I agree that it would be a smart thing to do.
As I walk into the office alone, I'm positive my worry is written all over my face, and I regret sending Seth away.
"Hi, Sierra! You should just live here, you know." the receptionist jokes with a grin.
I give a faint smile and say, "I should just sleep out here in the waiting area on the couches."
She laughs, but I don't see the smile in her eyes...She can see straight through me.
Another pee donation, then I wait for what feels like a long time.
They must be really busy today...I should have brought my book.
I look at the TV in the waiting room not really registering what is on the screen.
My name is called, and I get up.
First things first, I stand on the scale.
It's a number I'm not happy with, so I groan a bit before I'm taken to the Non-Stress Test room in the center of the circle.
I go to my usual spot on the hospital bed where I begin telling my nurse, Lori, my fears.
After my explanation, she leaves the room to get the small ultrasound machine so she has an easier time finding the girls' hearts.
Ever since the girls' membrane broke, it's been harder to find out where they are for the test so this is normal, but I wait impatiently until she returns with the machine.
She stands in front of me, places her right arm across my belly and keeps her back to me...She's trying to block my view!
I tentatively peek under her shoulder where I can get a small glimpse of the screen.
I see the girls' hearts, but don't see them beating.
She didn't stay in the area of their hearts very long, so I begin to doubt my eyes.
Solemnly, she tells me she needs to have the doctor come in and double-check something.
That isn't normal and gives me an even stronger sense of foreboding.
The same doctor who saw me yesterday, Dr Jenkins, enters with Lori and takes over the ultrasound machine...trying to block my view, as well.
This time there is no mistaking it--the little hearts that I had seen and heard beating countless times were completely still.
Dr. Jenkins turns to me..."There's no easy way to say this...we don't know what happened, but the babies have died."
"I thought so," I respond as large, loud sobs escape my body.
Lori quickly comes to my side and holds me, "Is your husband here?"
Through uncontrollable sobs, I say where he is.
Lori continues to hold me, trying to give me comfort as I speak my mind about what I should have done different.
"There's no guarantee any of those things would have made a difference. You did everything you could have done for these babies. I'm so sorry, sweetie."
I really did do everything I thought was right for my girls...Most importantly, I loved them and wanted them.
Slowly, I begin to find my voice again and decide to call Seth.
After only a couple rings, he answers, "Hey, I'm driving back and I'm close."
I tell him the news, but my words seem unreal.
His tears bring on even more tears from me, and I have to get off the phone.
I wait for him to come in a shocked silence and with a headache.
Seth enters the room with a mirrored look of shock on his face and he rushes to my side.
We hold each other and cry for who knows how long.
As we begin to calm down, I notice we are left alone.
My eyes meet Porter's, and he looks confused.
We begin to tell him what happened making sure he knows that, even though we now wont be taking the girls home like we've been talking about every day for months, we can all be physically together as an entire family again and he will be able to hold his sisters like he wants to.
Shortly after our discussion, Dr. Jenkins returns to the room and informs us that I will need to deliver.
I notice his eyes are red, and I feel sorry for him...I can't imagine how he must feel being the one who sent me home yesterday.
He gives us two options--deliver as soon as possible or go home, let it sink in and then come back.
We choose to get it done as soon as possible.
He understands and goes to make the arrangements.
Seth leaves to take Porter to a sitter, and I go to the nurses station to look for Lori to take me to Labor and Delivery.
Finding her, we exit by going out the back toward the hospital and away from the waiting room so I don't have to face all of the other pregnant women.
Lori stays with me until she has to return to work, and promises she'll visit tomorrow.
Seth's still not back as I am taken to my room.
I'm left alone as a new wave of grief hits me.
The door opens with Seth's arrival--he came with my hospital bag, and I'm happy to see both him and the bag.
We sit in silence that is occasionally interrupted with statements about how happy we are that we chose to get married in the temple, how sad we are that we don't get to have our girls right now, and what we are going to have to do next.
We have visitors from our ward who come to bring us support--our home teacher and a friend who happened to be in the area, and the Relief Society President and a sister who had also had a stillborn.
Their visits are brief, but very much appreciated.
The door opens again, and my night nurse enters the room.
I do a double-take...Heather!
Heather had been my favorite night nurse when I came to the hospital with a complication I had the day the girls' membrane broke just a few weeks before.
"Remember me?" I ask with a crooked grin.
"Absolutely, I do," she responded without smiling, "I am so sorry."
After an update on what happened since I'd seen her last, Heather started talking about what I will have to do.
"You can ask me any question you may have," she said.
I ask my questions--her answers only make me cry more, but I need to hear them so I can be prepared.
Pills are handed to me, and I take them to help get this going.
While Seth and I turn on episodes from How the States Got Their Shapes as a distraction, my contractions get worse.
This may not take long.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Last Movements
It is June 20, my birthday.
I'm excited to celebrate my 25 years of life.
I'm also excited to get to see the girls again as it has been two days since my last "peek".
Porter's not too happy about being left at a sitters...again...and throws a fit that's pathetic enough to bring tears to my eyes as I drive the stressful hour to the doctor's office.
I am not a bad mom, I convince myself.
Upon arrival, I begin to calm down from my emotions and driving nerves.
"Hi Sierra!" the receptionists say as I walk in while handing me my cup and label.
It's nice to be so well-known in a doctors' office.
Saves time.
After the usual pee donation, I dive into the book all the nurses like to joke about--The Undaunted.
I grin as I open it, hearing in my head, "The Undaunted...hmmm...Well, I would be daunted reading this very large book."
Well, I think, it's not like I don't have the time to finish it with how many doctors visits I have.
After a while, my name is called and the sweet ultrasound technician and I go to the ultrasound room in the back of the big circle of an office.
We talk about small things that aren't that important while I get all uncomfortable with my shirt up and waist-high maternity shorts down.
My quite large and rather unattractive belly protrudes with my sweet girls inside.
I try not to think about how much my belly is going to itch once we're done today like it does every other day I go to the doctor as I get the warm gel put on.
A clear view shows on the screen to my left.
I smile, recognising the figures on the screen, Hello Sweethearts.
They had been extra active on the drive over.
Probably because I was emotional.
I begin to relax as well as any pregnant woman with 30 week old twins inside can relax--which really isn't much at all.
I haven't had any problems for a couple weeks, now.
Hopefully, it stays that way for four more weeks.
I noticed the technician suddenly go silent and begin measuring a space in Baby B's heart.
Oh great, I spoke too soon.
The technician moves on and starts asking me what my plans are for my birthday, and I tell her, all the while wondering what she measured but most importantly what it meant.
She finishes, prints a few pictures and leaves the room.
I clean off, and get ready for the doctor to come in to consult while enjoying my new set of pictures to display and show off.
My girls are so pretty.
The doctor, Dr. Jenkins, comes in the room and informs me the measured space was fluid, but it isn't anything to worry about as a lot of babies get it and it eventually goes away.
Oh okay, then I wont worry about it.
Then he said, "But, with you, any change is bad."
Unsure how to take that, I ask, "Should I be worried?"
I was informed, again, that it was probably nothing.
It would be checked again at my next visit in two days.
It was time for the Non-Stress Test, so I moved on and tried not to think about it.
After getting even more gel put on my large self, I sit back and try to relax as the nurse has trouble finding one of the babies' heartbeats.
This wasn't unusual, as the girls aren't very cooperative, so I brush it aside.
The doctor's office decides to brush it aside as well, and I am sent on my way.
I call Seth, letting him know I am on my way home so we can finally start the birthday celebrations.
As I get in the car, I feel nothing.
Strange, they were moving so much just a few minutes ago.
...
Maybe I should turn the car around and go back to the office.
...
It's rush hour--too busy and I don't want to get in a wreak.
...
I'm sure they're just tired.
Similar thoughts repeat on the drive to Olive Garden with me in the passenger seat, during my meal, when I blow out my candles, when I get on my new bike, when I sit to watch a movie, and as I get in bed for the night.
Why aren't they moving?
I'm sure they're fine, I just saw them!
I must just be over-reacting.
I'm excited to celebrate my 25 years of life.
I'm also excited to get to see the girls again as it has been two days since my last "peek".
Porter's not too happy about being left at a sitters...again...and throws a fit that's pathetic enough to bring tears to my eyes as I drive the stressful hour to the doctor's office.
I am not a bad mom, I convince myself.
Upon arrival, I begin to calm down from my emotions and driving nerves.
"Hi Sierra!" the receptionists say as I walk in while handing me my cup and label.
It's nice to be so well-known in a doctors' office.
Saves time.
After the usual pee donation, I dive into the book all the nurses like to joke about--The Undaunted.
I grin as I open it, hearing in my head, "The Undaunted...hmmm...Well, I would be daunted reading this very large book."
Well, I think, it's not like I don't have the time to finish it with how many doctors visits I have.
After a while, my name is called and the sweet ultrasound technician and I go to the ultrasound room in the back of the big circle of an office.
We talk about small things that aren't that important while I get all uncomfortable with my shirt up and waist-high maternity shorts down.
My quite large and rather unattractive belly protrudes with my sweet girls inside.
I try not to think about how much my belly is going to itch once we're done today like it does every other day I go to the doctor as I get the warm gel put on.
A clear view shows on the screen to my left.
I smile, recognising the figures on the screen, Hello Sweethearts.
They had been extra active on the drive over.
Probably because I was emotional.
I begin to relax as well as any pregnant woman with 30 week old twins inside can relax--which really isn't much at all.
I haven't had any problems for a couple weeks, now.
Hopefully, it stays that way for four more weeks.
I noticed the technician suddenly go silent and begin measuring a space in Baby B's heart.
Oh great, I spoke too soon.
The technician moves on and starts asking me what my plans are for my birthday, and I tell her, all the while wondering what she measured but most importantly what it meant.
She finishes, prints a few pictures and leaves the room.
I clean off, and get ready for the doctor to come in to consult while enjoying my new set of pictures to display and show off.
My girls are so pretty.
The doctor, Dr. Jenkins, comes in the room and informs me the measured space was fluid, but it isn't anything to worry about as a lot of babies get it and it eventually goes away.
Oh okay, then I wont worry about it.
Then he said, "But, with you, any change is bad."
Unsure how to take that, I ask, "Should I be worried?"
I was informed, again, that it was probably nothing.
It would be checked again at my next visit in two days.
It was time for the Non-Stress Test, so I moved on and tried not to think about it.
After getting even more gel put on my large self, I sit back and try to relax as the nurse has trouble finding one of the babies' heartbeats.
This wasn't unusual, as the girls aren't very cooperative, so I brush it aside.
The doctor's office decides to brush it aside as well, and I am sent on my way.
I call Seth, letting him know I am on my way home so we can finally start the birthday celebrations.
As I get in the car, I feel nothing.
Strange, they were moving so much just a few minutes ago.
...
Maybe I should turn the car around and go back to the office.
...
It's rush hour--too busy and I don't want to get in a wreak.
...
I'm sure they're just tired.
Similar thoughts repeat on the drive to Olive Garden with me in the passenger seat, during my meal, when I blow out my candles, when I get on my new bike, when I sit to watch a movie, and as I get in bed for the night.
Why aren't they moving?
I'm sure they're fine, I just saw them!
I must just be over-reacting.
Free
I wore two items that didn't cost a thing today...
1st...
...the dress!
I won it!
All thanks to Infarrantly Creative's La Posh Style giveaway!
2nd...
...blue eyeliner!
A gift from Bare Minerals!
Pretty sweet.
I guess you could say that today I am "priceless"
*slaps knee
Matchy Matchy
The ladies of the house looked quite similar today!
Totally unplanned...
...definitely photo op-worthy.
So fun, in fact, Levi wanted in on it, too:
Five Reasons
Guess what the weather did this week???
Yup!!!
Let me give you some reasons why this is so amazing...
Reason #1: When it snows the wind stops.
Absolutely that deserves the top reason.
Casper wind doesn't agree with me.
If you live here, you get it.
Reason #2: You get all bundled up!
Reason #3: Snowmen!!
Reason #4: Watching Porter play.
Reason #5: Getting to throw snowballs!!!
Nobody said it had to be thrown at someONE...
I love snow.
Won't You Sing With Me
Carson is so sweet.
He's teaching Porter his alphabet.
Most importantly, he's teaching Porter that it's okay to sing.
Makes my heart happy.
Cousins are the best.
Up
Porter asked me to do his hair this last week.
That never happens.
He specifically asked for it to be "up"...
...and then asked for the same thing for the next three days.
Every day I put it up he would admire himself in the mirror.
I wonder who he gets that from...
Must be Seth. ;)
Vegas Visitors
Laura and Track came for a visit last weekend!!
And, I didn't take any pictures until they were about to leave...sadly.
Man, I really need to be better at picture-taking when visitors come.
It was great to see them!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The Real Windy City
Being that I have never lived in Chicago, I cannot honestly dispute their claim to the windy city title, but I'm pretty positive that if the residents of Chicago came to Casper, they would hand it over.
We have arrived at our final destinations!
I say "destinationS" because our little family will be split apart for the majority of the next three months.
Seth will be travelling back and forth from Fort Washakie over the weekends to see us.
This will be an adventure.
He is staying at a student-only place on an Indian Reservation where his housing is paid for, but family is not allowed as he shares the place with two other interns.
If you've ever been to Fort Washakie, you would know what I mean when I say there is really no where else to sanely live that is closer than Casper.
So, Casper it is for Porter and me!
We tried to find our own housing, but ended up being too far down the waiting list to be able to get a place of our own.
Therefore, we're really grateful that Clark and LaRene are willing to let us invade their basement for a little while...and at such short notice.
So far, we've unloadedeverything, gotten a sweet gym membership at Lifetime Fitness, and been able to visit the girls' grave.
We realized how happy we are to be able to to that whenever we want now that we live so near.
We're excited to be closer to the end of all of this!!
PS: If you're curious, Seth's next "rotation" is in Cheyenne, and then he hopes to have a residency at either the Salt Lake VA or a place in Denver after graduation.
We'll find out about that later.
After a possible year of residency, we will be back in Casper for...well, for forever!
Seth will eventually work with his dad when he's finished.
So, I'm happy that the friends I make here will still be here when we come back!
Just if you were curious.
We have arrived at our final destinations!
I say "destinationS" because our little family will be split apart for the majority of the next three months.
Seth will be travelling back and forth from Fort Washakie over the weekends to see us.
This will be an adventure.
He is staying at a student-only place on an Indian Reservation where his housing is paid for, but family is not allowed as he shares the place with two other interns.
If you've ever been to Fort Washakie, you would know what I mean when I say there is really no where else to sanely live that is closer than Casper.
So, Casper it is for Porter and me!
We tried to find our own housing, but ended up being too far down the waiting list to be able to get a place of our own.
Therefore, we're really grateful that Clark and LaRene are willing to let us invade their basement for a little while...and at such short notice.
So far, we've unloadedeverything, gotten a sweet gym membership at Lifetime Fitness, and been able to visit the girls' grave.
We realized how happy we are to be able to to that whenever we want now that we live so near.
We're excited to be closer to the end of all of this!!
PS: If you're curious, Seth's next "rotation" is in Cheyenne, and then he hopes to have a residency at either the Salt Lake VA or a place in Denver after graduation.
We'll find out about that later.
After a possible year of residency, we will be back in Casper for...well, for forever!
Seth will eventually work with his dad when he's finished.
So, I'm happy that the friends I make here will still be here when we come back!
Just if you were curious.
Halfway Point
Our second and third night of our move was spent in Twin.
Which just so happens to be the halfway point between where we were going from Oregon to Wyoming!
We got to celebrate Mom's birthday while we were there by going to Five Guys!
I forgot my camera.
But I definitely got pictures of Dad singing and bringing out this:
Sweet!
If you didn't notice in the above pictures, my sister Missy came down to hang out with us on our second night!
It was so great to walk the mall and talk with her while we followed around this little bug...
 |
| River-I can't believe how BIG she is!! |
Porter got to play cars with Isaac most of the time.
And they obviously enjoyed themselves!
After dinner at Five Guys, I got to meet up with my old friend, Chelsea!
Who is pregnant with her first!!!
SO excited for her!
It was great to get to catch up before heading out the next day!
Happy birthday Mom!!!
(Sunday)
I hope you enjoy your shelves!
First Stop
We stopped for the night in Pendleton.
Don't ever do that.
None of their hotels are over 2 stars.
For good reason.
Do what we should have done, and that's go further to La Grande.
Speaking of La Grande...
Look who we saw as we stopped at Seth's favorite restaurant!
EMMA!
We also saw Jenny and little Andrew, as big Andrew was at work, we didn't get to see him.
It was SO good to catch up!!
And, Jenny, I'm so very glad things are going well and that there's a light at the end of the tunnel for all us struggling students! :)
Makes me happy.
Guess what else makes me happy...
...I finally got a picture of these two hugging!
How stinkin' cute is that!?
Miss you guys!
See Ya Later
I don't like to say goodbye.
To anyone.
Or, even to anyTHING, really.
I'm quite sentimental.
Yes, I'm kinda going all over the place with this post.
For those of you who don't know how random I am, you just had a small taste.
Anyway...
We got to say "see ya later" to this place:
We'll miss your greenery.
I mean LOOK at that picture again!
Gorgeous.
We'll miss the awesome friends we have who are still there...
 |
| Kristina-you and your sweet heart, amazing talent, and great listening ear. |
 |
| Reagan-we'll miss your sweet firecracker-ness! |
 |
| Brianne-you and your entire family were our favorite! |
 |
| Mikelle-you're one of the most amazing people I've met. |
And, that's not even everyone we miss!
Wish we could have gotten to say see ya later to everyone.
We had such amazing help before we left--thank you Kim, Corinne, Laura, Brianne and Anna!!
We got out pretty quickly with all the helping hands.
Whomever gets to move into our apartment, you're lucky to have such great company.
(However, you're not so lucky to be living in that complex with the favoritism, prostitutes, drug dealers, late night police visits, weird rules, cats mating outside the back door and on the furniture sitting by the trash all day where the kids will try to play, but I won't go into that.)
Figuratively, this is for everyone we missed seeing before we left...
See ya later!!!
We'll be back for graduation.
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