June

The moment I moved the calenders to this month, my heart broke.

It is very difficult for me to grasp that my twins have been gone a year this month.

Even though I feel like I've done pretty well with the whole situation as I haven't closed off and become reclusive, regular life is difficult at times.

I don't think it helps that we've now moved four times since we lost our sweet girls, and I've encountered many new faces.

I did a little "conversation vomit" about the twins yesterday to my new neighbor who will, I'm sure of it, be a good friend because I didn't scare her away with my obvious need to ramble on about my angels.

Happens sometimes...the need to ramble.

I've been pretty good at keeping the story to myself and not broadcasting it to everyone I meet right when I meet them when I get asked questions like "how many kids do you have" or hear statements recently from people like "one boy and one girl, how perfect."

I wish those didn't hurt as much as they do, and I wish I didn't feel the need to correct people when they say the second one.

(I don't usually correct them...I generally just smile, fold the hurt up and put it away to deal with later.)

Last night I attended a Getting to Know You Relief Society Activity in my new ward.

We played a game where if you could answer the question in the affirmative then you would go to the center of the circle and exchange a bag that was filled with something a sister loved.

I brought oreos in my bag to share, if you were wondering...which I know you were.

The questions didn't effect me emotionally until it was asked if we had had a kid in the past three years.

I felt a stab of pain, almost went forward, then forced myself to stay on the outside of the circle.

Immediately feeling guilty for doing so.

I felt as though I was being dishonest while I avoided looking at all the women who had gone to exchange their bags.

At the same time I was feeling guilty, I knew it was probably smarter to avoid the questions that would have certainly followed from curious women had I gone into the circle.

I've learned my lesson on sharing about Alayna and Jilinda because the moment I tell the story to a person who can't handle the news, it gets all awkward.

It is so much better when I tell someone I know will be able to handle it who gives me an "I'm sorry" or " I just don't know what to say".

When the person I tell can't handle it, I get that person comparing my loss to the loss their pet or I get this "look" and feel the need to state that I'm okay because if I don't they're going to break down and I'll feel the need extend comfort their way.

I generally don't mind sharing because I'm not ashamed or afraid to share a huge part of who I am, but I've gotten to the point where I'm tired of the awkwardness.

So, I usually try to steer clear.

It's gotten a bit easier to avoid the story since I've started showing with Lilia.

Everyone is more interested in happy news, which is just fine because that's normal.

But, there is a slight misconception about being pregnant again right after having lost babies.

It has been said that the "rainbow baby" helps with healing.

(The baby after loss is called that because it symbolizes the rainbow after the storm.)

Lilia has definitely helped, but I still worry about her.

Especially as she grows and gets closer to the 30 week mark.

In fact, every time I have an ultrasound, I have small anxiety attacks.

I try to calm myself, but really what ends up getting the calming job done is seeing her heartbeat.

Being grateful and extremely excited about having another baby girl doesn't change the fact that this whole thing is just hard.

Over time, it has gotten easier to adjust to my new normal.

Over time, my breakdowns have gotten fewer and further between.

But then, something happens that takes me by surprise.

Like a question, or a statement from someone who doesn't know what's going on inside of me because they've just met me.

Questions and statements that are actually very commonly asked every time I meet a new person.

I have found that the loss of my twins is like a large scar that flares up sometimes.

It's especially flaring right now as it is June again.

Makes me kinda wish I could just skip the whole month this year.

Separate Places

Seth and I are, yet again, apart from each other.

This time it's only for two weeks.

But, two weeks seems like a really long time right now.

He needed work, but couldn't find a good-paying temporary job in the area.

Code: he couldn't find an Optometry-related job in the area because he couldn't get a temporary license in Utah.

So, he's working with Clark in Casper on a temporary license while I'm keeping the fort at home here.

I'm really hoping this is the last time this separate thing has to happen by mostly uncontrollable circumstances 'cause I really don't like it.

Especially since I feel like we just got back together after three months apart with him in Fort Washakie.

Thankfully, I've got lots of family around I need to visit, and a place to get in order.

Seth, come home safe...and quick!

20 Weeks

Say hello to our sweet baby...

...GIRL!!!!

Porter was hoping for a boy, but didn't seem to mind at all that he was going to get another baby sister!

He also wanted to get in on my belly shot...so here's two for ya :)

And, the name we have picked for our little sweetheart is:

Lilia Shay

Lilia is after my Gammie Hill (great-grandmother on my mom's side) whose name is Lillis.

*Well, technically it was her middle name, but she went by it just like my Gammie went by her middle name as well.*

We picked Lilia because I seem to have an obsession with 3 syllables and ending in -a names and it's one that both Seth and I liked (which is actually quite a difficulty).

Plus we liked the meaning.

In Latin, like Lillis, it means "lilies".

In Hebrew, it means "what belongs to me belongs to God" which I think is quite fitting as it is one of the lessons I've re-learned this last year for sure.

And, Shay is Seth's mother's maiden name!

We are THRILLED!

Memorial Day

On Memorial Day, we were (finally) able to make it to the annual Collier family & friends softball game and lunch!!

I didn't take many pictures as I was playing! :)

Not very well, mind you, but still.

I hadn't picked up a bat or mitt for over 10 years, so it took me a bit to actually hit the ball, and luckily, I never had to run to catch one.

And, I even scored 2 points!

I think it was mostly because no one wanted to "out" a pregnant lady, but I digress.

Seth made fun of my girly manner when it was all over because, yes, I am girly.

But, he knew what he was getting into when he married me!

Everyone had a chance to play.

Porter even got to hit the ball...

But, when it was time to run to first base, he was more interested in going back to the playground.

Nice try, Uncle David...

I hit the ball...I'm outta here.

After my second run, it was all over for me.

The baby wasn't having any more of it, and I'm sure was wondering what in the world was going on.

So, I went to go hang out with Jordanne...

...who was playing camera shy.

When I turned around again, I noticed Seth was pitching...

Look at that stud.

Yup, that's right, he's mine.

Anywhooo...

After the game we enjoyed a delicious pot luck lunch, and the great company of family!

I wish I had gotten more pictures, but I'm sure my aunt will post some on her blog soon that I hope she doesn't mind me nabbing.

We had a blast!!

Thanks, Colliers!!

PS: did you notice those gorgeous mountains in the first picture?!

I love living here.

Kaysha Turns 3

I love living near lots of family.

We get to do a bunch of stuff together, and I'm going to soak it all up while we're here.

Like, birthdays for example.

Kaysha turned 3 on Sunday!

She specifically asked for "sushi cake", and Wendy definitely delivered!

Delicious!

She had trick candles, and watching her wait for them to light up again was too funny.

We all enjoyed the goodies!



Happy birthday, Kaysha!

Wildlife

We live with a lot of wild geese and ducks.

They like to leave little presents all over the grounds that you have to avoid on the way to your cars.

Porter likes to watch the two geese families that live near our pond to the left of this view...

...he has even named them.

Well, most of them.

Hill AFB Air Show + Ordeal

**This is a longer post, but trust me, you're gonna want to read the whole thing.**

The day started out great!

It looked gorgeous, it was warm, and there were just a few clouds in the sky.

We woke up early to catch the train from Midvale station where we met up with family.

Porter loved the train and would give a play-by-play of what he saw out the window.

Wendy, Logan, Robbie, Donnie, Zoe, Seth, Mason

Brinda & Shad on the right

 Then we caught the new Frontrunner at SL Central...

This one was an 80 mph ride, and didn't feel like it at all!

Then we took a shuttle from the Frontrunner to Hill Air Force Base to see the air show!

This was the entrance...

Pretty awesome.

Porter was scared to go in, though, so Seth carried him through.

After finding a place to sit, we went umbrella shopping since we didn't come prepared for rain and it was sprinkling a bit.

Then the show started.

 The boys loved it!

Porter would get very excited about each plane!

All of the air-o-batics (I think they called it that) were amazing!

Then, it started getting colder.

I saw my breath, and began regretting wearing flip flops and capris, but was glad I brought a sweater.

We heard from the announcer, "the air show will be put on hold due to the weather...we would like you to stay...there will be two hangers open for you to stay dry, or you can go under the wings of some of the aircraft"

Then, almost right after he said that, the torrential rain and wind started.

Tents even started to come apart and blow away a bit.

It was sheer panic from the crowd...and from Porter.

Seth, Porter, Donnie, and I went to go find Wendy and Robbie as they were out getting lunch at one of the vendors.

I was very happy I bought that umbrella at this time, but it wasn't enough to keep the wind and rain out, and it wasn't big enough for all three of us.

Shad, Brinda, and their family left with friends to the parking lot as we decided to go into the medical tent to thaw and get a better view since we were blinded out there.

We were informed we couldn't stay there because it was for people who were sick...not cold.

We had lost Donnie in the commotion, but as I was calling Wendy to see where she was, I happened to spot her, Donnie and Robbie under their large umbrella!

We then made a run for it to catch them.

Porter crying in tow.

When we did catch them, we were all relieved to have found each other again as we started to head for the hangers.

Wendy donated her umbrella she bought with me to Seth and Porter, but it started breaking and wasn't much shelter.

Seth was happy to have it.

We made it to the hangers, but they were completely packed.

So, we kept walking in the freezing rain and wind to get back to the shuttle.

When we saw the line to the shuttle, I think my heart skipped a beat.

It was a least a quarter of a mile long.

Or, it felt like it was that long, anyway.

We thought taking the trax and the shuttle was a smart choice the night before and that morning, but not so much at that moment.

We stood in line for about an hour before getting on the shuttle.

Soaked through, shivering and numb, we found seats.

There was so much traffic on the way out of the base that it took about an hour to get to the Frontrunner station.

This was okay with me because it gave me a chance to thaw out and a chance for Porter to calm down.

Robbie and Donnie fell asleep basically standing up on the bus, and Wendy and I commented on how glad we were that baby Jordanne and little Kaysha weren't there to experience this.

Once at the station, the rain had stopped, but the wind was still blowing.

I felt like it was almost rude to get out of the warm bus and wait in the cold again while we were still soaking wet.

Twenty minutes later, the train came, and we started our journey back.

Out the window, we saw one of the Thunderbirds fly by.

They started the show again.

We didn't care.

When we switched trains at Central again, I was limping.

I had blisters from my wet flip flops that I couldn't feel while numb.

We joined happy, dry, unaware people on that train back home, and got some interesting looks.

"You can check off 'miserable experience in Salt Lake', now," Wendy stated while smiling.

Well, it started out fun, I said, laughing.

We left them to continue to their stop, and were very happy to see our Subaru.

Once in the car, Seth blasted the heater.

I didn't want to get out because the heat felt so great, but was glad when we got back home.

And even more glad that I have a washer and a dryer instead of a community one like I've had for the past four years.

Seth and Porter enjoyed the hot tub while I changed into warm clothes.

I would've hopped in that hot tub with them, but knew it wouldn't be a good thing to do while pregnant.

I don't think I completely thawed out until the next day.

So, lesson learned: even if it looks like it will be a nice day, it's always a good idea to come prepared for any sort of weather if you're going to be outside on a Spring day in northern Utah.

Found A Place

Seth and I started our journey in Utah by living with my brother and his wife while we found a place for ourselves.

I'm so very grateful to them for letting us come crash with them in their already full house.

We had such a great time getting to hang out every day!

Porter especially loved getting to play outside whenever he wanted!

Before we left for graduation, we looked at about 20 places and had a place picked out.

We had given our deposit, but hadn't signed the contract yet.

Seth flew to Oregon while I drove from Salt Lake so I could stop as many times as I want.

While I was in Boise visiting and staying with my sister and her hubby, I got a text from our would-have-been future landlord saying there was a family emergency and they wouldn't be able to rent out the place.

It was kinda a bummer because we loved the location and the fact it was a 1400 sq. ft. basement apartment with a kitchen to die for, but we understand family emergencies.

So, after driving back from graduation quickly instead of visiting with my parents for a week, we looked at 21 more places and got another by the following Wednesday!

We moved in the next day.

It's not organized yet, but we really like it so far.

It's a condo, and it's in a complex with a gorgeous landscape, two pools, a tennis court, and a clubhouse with a sauna, hot tub, and gym (that we happen to live right next to).

When the baby is born, you will find me at the clubhouse...a lot.

Until then, I'll be in the pool.

The only down side is the duck and geese poop you have to avoid while walking to your cars...and there's a lot of it.

Happy to have a place!

Graduation

After 8 years of schooling, during four of which Seth:

"Sat through 1,710 hours of lecture

Participated in 690 hours of lab exercises

Took 72 midterms

35 written final exams

5 lab finals

Passed at least 35 mini proficiencies

Passed 1 big proficiency at the end of the second year

Spent 1,960 hours in clinic

and for the privilege, paid $42 per hour"

--Dean of Optometry

(And, that doesn't even include studying for and passing 3 major boards exams in order to be certified)

He is finally DONE!

May 19th was glorious.

It began with a "hooding ceremony" where the graduates were formally given their graduation hoods.

I enjoyed the ceremony, but most of all I enjoyed our friend, the class valedictorian David Glabe's, speech.

The fact that he mentioned Seth bringing caffeine to study groups to try to keep everyone awake was an interesting bonus.

After Dave, the keynote speaker spoke of the importance of putting family first.

I ended up wishing I had brought tissues.

Porter was very enthusiastic as the hoods were handed out.

Seth after getting his hood...pretty much how we saw him during the whole thing.

And then it was time to give the hood back and move on to graduation.

(Yah, I know, I didn't really get it either)

Pops joined us for the main event!

Which was great!!

We also got to sit by our favorite family...

We didn't pick the best seat, so this was our view of Seth...

...you're welcome for the arrows.

I filled with pride as Seth's name was called.

My man graduated with DISTINCTION!!!

...which means he had a stinkin' high GPA!

Without further ado, let me introduce...

...DR. SETH JENSEN!!

(After getting used to living a life basically without my husband, I'm really excited about this.)

Then, it was over and time for pictures.

Porter loves helping. Especially when helping involves moving something with wheels.

Congrats, all you DOCTORS!

Devin Farr, Eric Johansen, Colton Crowther, Aaron Cole, Shawn Skinner, Brandon Reed, Dave Parkinson, Dave Glabe, Seth, Scott Pitts

 And, all us WIVES!!

Tana, Jen, Jenny, Claudia, Kristina, Jen, Tara, Brianne, Me, and Erin

 Let me tell you, I would have never survived this whole thing without these girls!

I love every one of them and hope this isn't goodbye forever.

But most especially, I wouldn't have survived without this one.

Love you lots, Brianne!

We all endured so much together.

Not just Optometry stuff, either.

Not to mention, someone Seth was sure happy to have around...

...there's no way he would've survived without Scott.

We sure are going to miss all of you!

And, this cute dynamic.

You would've thought they never were apart.

Thanks, Clark, for coming!!

Dr. Seth Jensen O.D.

I love my Optometrist.